Princess
by Anglerfish
Summary: Ponyboy didn't even know he had a cousin named Princess...until she comes to stay with the Curtises. Johnny writes poetry, Dally sees the error of his ways, and Darry is revealed to be a big softie. Parody, oneshot.


**Disclaimer: If I owned _The Outsiders_, I would not be writing fanfiction for it. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.**

One afternoon after work, Soda came running into the house waving a letter.

"Pony! Darry! Guess what!" he said excitedly.

Ponyboy glanced up from the book he was reading. "Yeah? What's going on?"

Darry ran in from the kitchen. "What is it? Is it a letter from--" He saw the signature on the letter and gasped. "It is!"

"Who is it?" Ponyboy asked, getting up to look at the letter. He didn't think they knew anyone who wrote letters. Soda seemed awfully excited--could it be from Sandy?

"It's from our cousin, Princess Rainbow Butterfly Sparkly Sunshine Tulip Lollipop Candy Cane Ice Cream," Soda told him, beaming.

Ponyboy stared at him. "Who?"

"Our cousin, of course!" Soda raised his eyebrows. "Don't you remember Princess? She was Dad's brother's daughter--as you can tell from her name, because our uncle was just as original and creative as Dad was--but when he and his wife died, she was adopted by some Socs who hate her. They're really abusive, so she's moving in with us. She'd rather live on the bad side of town with three teenage boys and their tough, often violent, greaser friends."

Pony was still staring. "Since when do we have a cousin named Princess Butterfly whatever?"

"Princess Rainbow Butterfly Sparkly Sunshine Tulip Lollipop Candy Cane Ice Cream," Soda said, looking confused. "How could you have forgotten her? She used to come over all the time when we were little. She was best friends with the whole gang. We all treated her like she was one of us."

Deciding that Soda was either completely insane or playing some kind of weird joke on him, Ponyboy went back to his book. But he looked up again a moment later as the door opened and Steve, Two-Bit, Johnny, and Dally came running in.

"Johnny! Dally!" Ponyboy stood up, staring at them. They were _alive_? What was going on? "What're you--I mean, aren't you--"

"We heard that Princess is coming to live here," Dally panted, ignoring him, "so we headed over as fast as we could."

"I can't wait to see her again," Johnny said wistfully. "I remember we used to be best friends."

"She was my best friend, too," Dally put in. "I never had to be tough around her--she let me be my true self."

"What is going on?" Ponyboy demanded, deciding that Dally's last comment was just too weird. "Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? Because if it is, it isn't f--"

He was interrupted by the door being flung open for the third time that day. This time, a girl stood there. She was small and slender, but obviously stronger than all of them combined, with wavy golden hair to her knees and big, gray-green eyes just like Ponyboy's. She was even more gorgeous than Soda. It was Princess.

"Hey," she said in the most beautiful and melodious voice any of them had ever heard.

"She's even more beautiful than I remembered," Johnny sighed, swooning dramatically.

"I love you," Dally announced passionately, "but not because of your looks. I love you because of your great personality."

"Yeah," Two-Bit agreed. "Your looks have nothing to do with it. You definitely aren't just another girl to me."

Steve just stood there, speechless with awe.

"Princess!" Soda exclaimed, hugging his cousin.

She hugged him back, then threw her arms around Ponyboy and squeezed him half to death.

"Who _are _you?" Ponyboy gasped, pulling away and massaging his throat.

Princess ignored him and went around hugging everyone else, giving Johnny a kiss on the cheek as well. He turned bright red and grinned enormously.

"Give me your bags and I'll carry them to your room, because you obviously can't be expected to do any work at all," Darry told Princess when she'd finally finished. "We'll gladly be your slaves."

"Oh, that's so sweet of you, but it won't be necessary," Princess said, beaming at him and heaping five trunks into his arms. He staggered under the weight, but managed to carry them to Ponyboy and Soda's bedroom.

"Wait!" Pony said loudly. "Could someone _please_ tell me what's going on here? Johnny and Dally are alive, Two-Bit and Dally like a girl for her personality, and that girl happens to be our nonexistent-until-now cousin named Princess who everyone knows except me and who is taking over my and Soda's bedroom?!"

Everybody ignored him except Soda, who said, "But Pony, it should be an honor to give up your room for your cousin! Don't you have any sense of chivalry at all?"

Ponyboy looked around the room. Darry, whistling cheerfully, was still in Pony and Soda's bedroom, probably getting it ready for Princess, who was sitting in the armchair that was usually Darry's with her feet up on the coffee table. Steve and Two-Bit were kneeling next to her. Dally and Johnny were writing poems about how wonderful she was. Soda was gazing earnestly at Ponyboy, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, I'm honored," Pony said finally, sighing. "So where are we going to sleep?"

"I'm sleeping on the sofa," Soda answered. "You can have the chair."

Darry came bounding into the room. "Come on, guys, let's go to the rumble!"

"What rumble?" Ponyboy asked, bewildered, as everyone stood up and headed for the door.

"Hey!" Darry said suddenly, ignoring Ponyboy. "You can't come, Princess! Rumbles are too dangerous for girls like you! Besides, we couldn't live with ourselves if you ever got hurt."

"No!" said Princess defiantly. "I'm going to the rumble! I can fight just as well as you can!"

"No, you can't!" Darry argued. "You'd just get hurt. Come on, everyone else, let's go!"

Everyone except Princess went outside and headed down the sidewalk to the park. Ponyboy trailed behind, occasionally asking someone what was going on and never getting an answer.

By the time they reached the park, the sun was setting. They saw several hundred Socs waiting for them, but interestingly enough, all the other greasers had decided not to show up.

"Oh, no!" cried Darry, as the Socs started beating everyone up (except Ponyboy, who stayed outside the entrance to the park and watched in confusion). "There are too many of them! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"Never fear!" called a familiar voice, and Princess came running up. "I'll save you!"

Everyone who'd been fighting was already lying unconscious on the ground, but that didn't stop Princess. She single-handedly knocked out all the Socs, then hurried over to see how badly hurt Johnny was.

A very confused Ponyboy walked over to them. "Princess, would _you_ answer me? Please?" She ignored him. "Who are you and what are you doing at my house? And why are we at a rumble? And how'd you fight off all those Socs when the others couldn't? And, for that matter, what are Dally and Johnny even _doing_ here? They're dead!"

"Who's dead?" asked Dally. Everyone except Johnny had woken up.

"Johnny will be if we don't do something!" Princess put in desperately. "We need to take him back to our house and see how badly hurt he is!"

Ponyboy looked from her to Johnny, torn between irritation that no one would answer him and worry that Johnny was hurt, because he looked pretty bad. Except Johnny was already dead. Maybe this was some kind of weird dream.

"I'll carry him," Steve offered, reaching down to scoop Johnny off the ground.

"No!" Princess punched him so hard she knocked him out again. "_I'll _carry him."

"Princess, honey--" Darry began soothingly, then stopped when he saw how she was glaring at him.

"I want to do it," she said stubbornly, picking up Johnny easily so that he was lying with one of her arms supporting his back and the other under his knees, his head leaning on her shoulder. "Now let's go! We haven't got much time!"

Everyone ran off after Princess toward the Curtis house. Ponyboy followed behind, dragging the still-unconscious Steve, who everyone else had apparently forgotten about.

"We'd better go to the hosp--" Darry started, but was silenced by a murderous glare from Princess.

"Johnny likes me best! I give the orders!" she snapped at him. "And I say we'd better go to the hospital. Come on!"

She stretched Johnny out in the back seat of the car and sat next to him, clutching his hand tightly. Ponyboy tried to get in the back, too, but she shoved him out again. Sighing, he got in the front passenger seat.

Darry got in the driver's seat and started the car, glancing absentmindedly toward Ponyboy. Then he did a double take. "Pony! What are you doing there?"

"Johnny's my best friend, remember?" Ponyboy said, exasperated. "I'm going to the hospital with you."

Princess spoke up from the back seat. "He's not _your_ best friend, he's _my_ best friend."

"You tell 'im, Princess!" Darry cheered.

Ponyboy slumped back against his seat and stared out the window as they backed down the driveway and started down the street. At first he ignored the other two, but after the car swerved and nearly hit something for the seventh time, he couldn't help but glance over. Darry was usually such a careful driver.

Darry the careful driver happened to be leaning halfway around the seat, looking at Princess.

"Darry, what are you _doing_?" Ponyboy exclaimed. "Watch the road!"

"I'm worried about Princess!" Darry said angrily. The car swerved alarmingly again, finally hitting a mailbox and stopping on someone's front lawn. "Look how pale and drawn her face is! If Johnny dies, I don't think she'll be able to--"

"JOHNNY'S ALREADY DEAD!" Ponyboy screamed, losing it completely.

There was a moment of silence. Then--

"Remove him, please," Princess said coldly.

"Yes, Princess." Darry leaned across Ponyboy, opened the passenger door, and shoved him out. Ponyboy landed on the grass, and the car started again and went tearing away down the street.

"This is insane," he muttered to himself, getting up slowly and rubbing his head where he'd hit it on the ground. The hospital wasn't too far away, though, so he decided to just walk the last half mile or so, and see if he could get Johnny alone and talk some sense into him.

Apparently Johnny had already been checked in, because when he got there, a nurse told him the right room number. He hurried down the hallway to room fifty-three, where he saw Darry standing outside and peeking in the almost-closed door.

"Darry, what are you doing?" Ponyboy asked, walking up to him. He hoped that if he pretended the incident in the car had never happened, Darry might forget about it, too.

"Shh!" Darry pointed into the room. He had an oddly dreamy expression on his face.

Ponyboy glanced inside and saw Johnny lying in a hospital bed, the most comfortable chair pulled up next to him with--of course--Princess sitting in it. She was leaning over him and singing in an incredibly beautiful and melodious voice.

"She has such an amazing voice," Darry whispered, gazing in awe at Princess.

Ponyboy wasn't impressed. "Why's she _singing _to him? And what song is that, anyway?"

"You don't recognize it?" Darry sounded shocked. "It's the lullaby that our mom used to sing to Johnny all the time! He'll hear it and get better!"

"Why did Mom sing Johnny lullabies?" Ponyboy asked, confused.

Darry ignored him.

"Excuse me," said a voice behind them. It was a doctor. Darry and Ponyboy moved aside, and he went into the room. Princess cut off mid-note and glared at him. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No!" Princess said defiantly. "I'm going to look after him all by myself and you can't stop me!"

"Great!" the doctor said cheerfully. "I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job." He turned around and left.

"Doesn't Johnny need a doctor?" Ponyboy said to Darry, confused.

"Of course not!" Darry looked shocked. "Princess will do a much better job of looking after him. In fact, she's about to save Johnny now with true love's first kiss!"

They both watched, Darry in delight and Ponyboy in horror, as Princess bent over Johnny and kissed him on the lips.

"Awwww!" Darry put one hand over his heart.

"Ewwww!" Ponyboy put his hands over his eyes.

Johnny's eyes opened instantly and he sat up. "Wow, I feel great! What happened?"

"You were almost killed--"

"…Again," Ponyboy muttered.

"--by the Socs," Darry explained, giving his brother The Look. "But Princess just kissed you and you woke up!"

"Wow, really?" Johnny beamed at Princess. "You saved my life!"

Princess blushed and giggled. Ponyboy rolled his eyes.

"Could I have a piece of paper and a pen?" Johnny said suddenly.

"Sure," said Princess, handing him the paper and pen that were conveniently right on the table next to the bed.

Johnny wrote avidly for ten minutes. Ponyboy, wondering what was going on, felt a sense of foreboding. This couldn't be good.

"Done," Johnny announced finally, handing the piece of paper to Princess.

" 'To Princess,' " she read aloud.

" 'You are a really cute girl,

The kind that does not make me hurl.

You aren't ugly at all,

And off a cliff I don't want you to fall.

You can sing really good,

And you aren't made of wood.

You are really beautiful,

And you have pretty cuticles.

You are really gorgeous,

And I can't think of a rhyme

Love, Johnny.' "

"Did you like it?" Johnny asked shyly.

"It's brilliant! Genius! I loved it!" Princess squealed, throwing her arms around him. "But…" She paused dramatically. "Not as much as I love you."

"Oh, Princess!" Johnny gazed at her worshipfully. "I've loved you since we first met!"

"Ah, young love," Darry sighed happily as they kissed, wiping away a tear. "So sweet, and yet so meaningful, don't you think, Ponyboy? Ponyboy?"

Ponyboy was already out the door. When he got to the parking lot, he sat in the front passenger seat of the car and leaned his head against the cool glass of the window. He felt sick. What was wrong with Johnny? And Darry? And _everyone_?

Finally, he saw Darry coming out of the hospital, followed by Princess and Johnny. They were holding hands. Ponyboy grimaced.

The others soon reached the car and got in. Ponyboy glanced toward the back seat, and saw Princess sitting on Johnny's lap as they gazed soulfully into each other's eyes. Ponyboy shuddered and turned around again.

Darry started the car and drove away, a big smile on his face. A moment later--

"Are you humming a Diana Ross song?" Ponyboy asked in horror.

Darry ignored him and started singing loudly and very off-key. "Whenever you're near, I hear a symphony! A tender melody, pulling me closer, closer to your arms…"

Ponyboy took a deep breath and tried to keep from screaming. This was too much, but he didn't want to get kicked out of the car again.

He leaped out of the car as soon as they got home and ran inside. If he spent one more moment with the sentimental Darry, the lovesick Johnny, and the completely-unbearable-in-every-single-way Princess, he was going to kill someone--probably himself.

Luckily, only Darry came in. He explained that Johnny and Princess had gone off on a date to the Nightly Double, then headed into the kitchen. Ponyboy could hear him bellowing, "She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah! She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah! And with a love like that…"

Ponyboy buried his face in a couch cushion and screamed.

He had over two hours of peace, but by ten o'clock, his brothers, the rest of the gang, and Princess were all sitting in the living room. Princess was on Johnny's lap again, and Ponyboy ended up on the floor in a corner next to Steve because all the other seats were taken.

"This is just so cool!" Soda burst out suddenly. "You're finally happy, Johnny!"

"I know," Johnny said solemnly. "I used to want to kill myself all the time, but now that I have Princess, I have something to live for."

"She makes me feel that way, too," Dally agreed. "I can see all the good in the world now that Princess is here!"

"That's so sweet of you." Princess giggled and blushed. "By the way, Dally, I heard you were helping out at a shelter for homeless children today."

"Yeah, and after that I went straight to the Humane Society," Dally said. "I really--"

"_What?_" Ponyboy interrupted, staring at Dally. "You helped homelesschildren and animals? What's wrong with you?"

Dally frowned at him. "That's a bad attitude to have, Ponyboy. We should always help those who need it. Princess helped me see that." He beamed at her. "She's made me want to change my ways for the better. What I really I want to do now is make the world a better place, and all because of Princess."

"That's my girl!" Johnny said fondly, kissing her. Ponyboy had to close his eyes until it was over.

"Let's hear it for Princess, the best person there ever was or ever will be!" Darry cried. Ponyboy was the only person, including Princess herself, who didn't join the cheering.

Finally, Steve, Two-Bit, and Dally left. Johnny had decided to stay for the night, and, being a guest, got the chair. Soda still claimed the couch, so Ponyboy got the floor.

_Maybe_, he thought hopefully, stretching out on the rug and trying to get comfortable, _I'll wake up and Princess will be gone. It will all have been a dream. Please have just been a dream, please have just been a dream, please…_

----

Ponyboy felt someone shaking him. He groaned and rolled over, then winced. His back hurt…probably because he was lying on the floor in the living room.

"Hey, man, what're you doing on the floor?"

Wait…what _was_ he doing on the floor?

Ponyboy sat up and opened his eyes. He was on the living room rug with a squashed pillow where his head had been. There was another pillow on the armchair, and someone--that would be Soda--was wrapped in a blanket on the couch. Johnny was kneeling next to him.

That was when it all came back to him--Princess was there. Ponyboy sighed. That was why he was on the floor. But Johnny knew that already.

"I'm on the floor," Ponyboy said, trying not to sound irritated, "because Princess took over my bed and you and Soda had the only furniture."

Johnny looked confused. "Who's Princess?"

Ponyboy stared. "Um…your girlfriend? My cousin? The one in my and Soda's bedroom right now?"

That was when Soda walked in from the bedroom. "Hey, Johnny. What're you doing on the floor, Ponyboy?"

Wait…maybe his wish from the night before had come true. Maybe Princess really had been a dream! But Johnny was there, and he was supposed to be dead. Well…maybe the Princess part of it was a dream, but the rest was real, somehow. It didn't really matter to Ponyboy. As long as Princess was gone, he was happy, and it seemed that Johnny--and maybe Dally, too--was back, as well.

"I have no idea," Ponyboy said, in answer to Soda's question, and stood up. He could feel a huge grin on his face. Princess was gone, and Johnny was alive. This was perfect!

"You're one crazy kid, Ponyboy." Soda grinned back, rubbed him on the head, and went into the kitchen.

That was when something occurred to Ponyboy.

"Wait," he said slowly. "If Soda's in there, then who's that on the couch?"

"What?" Johnny said, startled. "You knew that Jeannie stayed over. My dad would've killed her if she'd stayed at my house," he added dramatically.

"Jeannie?" Ponyboy stared blankly at Johnny. "Who's Jeannie?"

Johnny looked at Ponyboy like he was crazy. "My sister, Pony. Jeannie's my _sister_. You've known her since we were little. She's your best friend. We all treat her just like one of the gang."

As if in a nightmare, Ponyboy turned to stare at the person on the sofa. She sat up, yawning, and stretched. She looked just like Johnny, only female: small, tan skin, wavy black hair to her knees, and the most beautiful black eyes Ponyboy had ever seen. She was also drop-dead gorgeous.

The girl--Jeannie--got off the couch and walked over to them. "Good morning, Ponyboy," she said sweetly in the most beautiful and melodious voice he'd ever heard, fluttering her long, dark eyelashes at him.

Ponyboy groaned.


End file.
